my story

When I began preschool, I was afraid. I didn't want to leave home; more specifically, I didn't want to leave my mom. My dad would encourage me to go, but on the way there, I would throw a fit that would result in him taking me home or to his or my mom’s work.  Sometimes, I would even wait until we got to the preschool, and if my dad had me on his shoulders, I would grip the top of the door frame and hang on tight. After a while, they took me out of that preschool and enrolled me in a Montessori preschool with my sister, and things got better. She would collect pretty rocks and tell me they were from my mom to help me not miss her. If I put the rock in my pocket and held on to it and thought of her, she said, it would be like she was with me.

In the beginning of Kindergarten, I was nervous, but I was too embarrassed to show any sign that I missed my mom at school because every other kid seemed fine with it and even seemed to enjoy school. The only part I liked was my teacher, Mrs. Burke, who was very kind-hearted. I also liked nap time because it meant I only had an hour or so until I got to go home. I wouldn't sleep; I would play with the plastic tablecloths beside me and pick holes in them and just wait. My parents were proud that I could make it through a whole half school day without throwing a tantrum.

But things suddenly changed one day. I was chased in the schoolyard by two older boys who threatened to restrain me with handcuffs and hurt me with a piece of wire fencing. They cornered me on the steps of the portable and I couldn’t get past them to the main building. I was trapped and afraid for my life. Although I was eventually rescued by my older sister, the experience left me traumatized as I was only five and already didn't feel comfortable at school. This happened when there were only two weeks of school left, and I never went back that year.

When grade one started, I would have to bring my mom or dad. I was embarrassed, but my dad made sure everyone enjoyed his presence as he would teach everyone to swing on the monkey bars and jump from platform to platform. Eventually, that had to end though; the school wanted me to learn how to manage the day without my parents and I started to feel embarrassed about it. I gradually started going to school by myself again, but they had a special teacher sit with me at lunchtime because I was too scared to go out on the playground, and they would try to force me to go out.

I missed a lot of days and sometimes I would go home early or fake sick. I had some good friends who made me want to go, but I was still always scared and spent many late nights anxiously crying in anticipation of the next day. Grades one and two were rough years. My mom took time off work to help me through, and she spent a lot of time at the school, but my fears never left me. She tried taking me to counselling, but I just hid behind the counsellor’s couch and refused to talk. I felt nobody could understand how scared I was. I wasn’t sure I understood it myself..

To make a fresh start for me, my family moved to New Westminster at the beginning of grade 3. Especially for a shy kid, it was an awkward age to join a school since everyone else already had friends. Every day I went to school, I just wanted to go home. I was embarrassed by teachers who kept referring to me as the “new kid” and I had no friends. I didn't last long at that school as I would leave the class as soon as my mom was out of sight and sneakily make my way home, or at least try to. Since that wasn't safe for a child, my mom asked me what it was about the school I didn't like. I said the people and the teachers, and that it was boring.

So my mom enrolled me in a school called Hume Park Home Learners, which was partial homeschooling, meaning you only go to school from 10 to 2, three days a week; the rest of the time, you were home-schooled. The school was just down the block from us in a beautiful park just on the edge of the Brunette River and a nature preserve. The staff were warm and welcoming, and I immediately felt comfortable and quickly made friends. The school had something called "Outdoor Explorers," where on Mondays and Fridays, we were taken out in nature and taught essential skills for surviving. This would include how to make a fire, how to tie different knots, how to make a shelter using things found outside, and even how to build an igloo. Then they would put us into groups and make it fun by turning it into a game to see who could build or create the fastest, and to see the different kinds of solutions kids came up with. They taught us how to do practical things like change a bike tire or bake bread, and, even though I forget half of the actual skills, it was being successful in doing them which gave me confidence.

Although Hume Park still taught the academic curriculum, they taught it in a fun and hands-on way. Instead of just talking about physics, for example, we would build things that demonstrated it. Academically, they let you follow your interests and explore topics that inspired you. This school benefited me in such a good way as it allowed me to explore my interests and never forced me out of my comfort zone; they never made a kid who was nervous do something that they weren't comfortable with. This approach to learning opened my mind to more creative ways to learn so that even in a conventional school, I could apply those skills and put them towards art, writing, and photography. I believe Hume Park gave me the confidence in myself to try these creative things, and I enjoyed them because I could do these hobbies alone and they were more hands-on and open to trial and error. I will always love this school because of the way they taught and the way they understood that people have different learning styles.

At the end of grade five, my best friend, Mackenzie, invited me to Lord Nelson's end-of-year carnival. I had to say yes; I loved them, and I missed my friends. At first, it didn’t feel the same. Mackenzie had a new friend, Mimi, and I felt out of place. Even though I didn't know her well, the three of us took pictures at the little photo setup they had, and from that day on we bonded. I had such a good time that day and made a new friend. That summer, the three of us hung out every day. Even though I no longer lived in the neighbourhood and my house was far away in New West, they would still come almost every day or I would go to see them. By the end of the summer, I decided I wanted to go back to Nelson, as my parents were beginning to plan our move back to Vancouver for when my sister entered high school, which was only two years away, and I didn't want to go into high school without friends.

In September of sixth grade, while still living in New Westminster, my mom drove me every day to school in Vancouver; being back in a regular school was very different from what I was used to. The change was good but also made me nervous, as again I was the "new kid" but in a school I had gone to for the first three years. The first few days were scary as I noticed new groups of friends and people I had never seen before. Even though I was anxious, though, I was happy to be with my old friends and make new ones.

The first two months of school went well. I had friends and felt as if the past few years hadn't happened, like I’d never left. But I wasn't accustomed to regular school, which meant longer days, no mom, and we were at that age where we started to have to do presentations for school. Soon, my anxiety started up again, and I began to miss two days a week, then three, then five. The more I skipped, the harder it was to go back because when I would go back, everyone would ask where I went or what happened. I’d laugh it off, crack a joke, or get annoyed and say it was none of their business.

Even though I had friends, I didn't really feel connected because I was never up to date on the latest drama or homework. Mimi and Mackenzie did their best to keep me informed and give me a sense of belonging since they were the only people I really saw. I thought it would be odd if I skipped school and then met up with people after school. I wanted to avoid any sort of questions entirely, and so I forced myself to attend as much as I could, but it wasn’t a lot.

By December of grade six, I was growing tired of having to get up so early so my mom could drive me into Vancouver to school. So, my mom and I decided it was best if we stayed in the house my parents had just bought while my dad and sister remained in New West, and he could try and sell the place there. The Vancouver house was unfinished and eerie – my dad was taking it apart to do a huge renovation – and we didn't even have a fridge. My mom and I slept in the attic as it was too cold to sleep anywhere else. We had a space heater and a mattress on the floor. We had a kettle and a toaster, and we would have instant oats for breakfast and noodles for dinner, but I was willing to do that for a few months if it meant being closer to my friends. However, that didn't solve the anxiety issue; I still was barely attending school.

Soon enough it was March, the house was almost done, it was sunny out, and I was motivated to go to school. I started doing better as winter became spring. I was finally going to school without troubles, stress, or worry, partly because my sister was also back at the school, and I felt safer. I made it through the rest of grade six with no problems, enjoyed my summer, and got ready for grade seven.

In the fall of 2019, I began seventh grade, and, although I still struggled, I reminded myself that the more I skipped, the harder it was to go back, and everyone asking questions made my anxiety worse, so if I attended, I could at least avoid that. I was doing better all the time, and in the spring of 2020, my last few months of grade seven, I was even able to do presentations.

But then COVID happened, which meant I went back to what I was comfortable with: no school, staying home, and being with my family all day. Because of quarantines, I could only see two friends, which, to be honest, I liked better. My friends and I would meet up most mornings and go on what we thought were big adventures, but really we didn't go far. Then in the summer, when we were allowed to expand our bubble to five or six people, a group of us would bike all around the city since we were only able to meet outdoors. This was nice and peaceful; our summer was extended and it felt like it went on forever. I loved this time period, but it was also a setback in my struggles against anxiety because it made me forget how to socialize properly, which made it difficult for me to get back into in-person school.

However, when school started back up in late September, it was easier for me to go back than I anticipated: because of the cohort system, there were only 5 or 6 people in each class and we attended only in the morning or the afternoon. This was a perfect scenario for me. The problem was that small classes and no presentations -- not to mention hiding behind a mask -- were exactly what my anxiety wanted. I didn't have to face anything that challenged me. This continued throughout grade 8, which I loved, but it also counteracted all the hard work I’d done prior to high school to combat my anxiety.

Honestly, I enjoyed the freedom too much and got very used to the quarter system, which reminded me of Hume Park, only going for half a day and then going home to my mom. This good feeling continued into the summer between grades 8 and 9, which I spent biking around Vancouver, visiting parks and beaches or hanging out on my trampoline, as we still weren't supposed to go inside each other's houses.

Then the worst of Covid was over, and for grade 9, real high school started. As the year progressed, I managed to reconnect with old friends, but because of Covid, nobody had really spoken to anyone else except a couple of people in their "bubble" and so our cohort didn't seem connected or even very friendly. Everyone was still inside their own bubble and hid behind masks and avoided one another. It felt like a strange and alien place.

I was still not used to being in school with so many strangers and having so many new ways of learning, most of which seemed to involve public speaking. Some teachers let me demonstrate my learning in alternative ways like videos or voiceovers, but not all were so accommodating.

I was overwhelmed. I no longer had my anxiety under control. I was struggling to find ways to cope with high stress at such a vulnerable age and time. This had a major negative impact on my schoolwork and school life. Although I had some support from the principal and some of the teachers, other teachers were not so supportive, which often left me paralyzed with anxiety and unable to complete assignments, especially anything that involved public speaking because I was too afraid to speak with the teachers and ask for other ways of showing my knowledge.

I managed to get through the school year, but my attendance was not great, and I promised myself that in grade 10 I would do better. At the end of grade 9, I'd gotten six Cs and Two Bs which were mostly sympathy passes. I was not proud of my marks but I also wasn't too upset because I had hopes that I could get my marks up the next year.

As grade 10 grew closer, I really began to stress because I thought, how am I going to do better when school just gets harder? This mindset is what really messed me up for grade 10 because I went in assuming I was going to fail.

In September of grade 10, I was already skipping classes weekly, and I wasn't staying on top of my homework. Despite lots of support from my parents and the principal, I just couldn't cope and my marks continued to slip throughout winter. I found it even harder to get things done when the days grew shorter, and when it got dark right after school, I had no motivation to do any work. I spent my time after school hanging out with friends, but I never really enjoyed it; I just thought I should have a big friend group and be friends with everyone. I also got sick quite a bit, which caused me to miss more school, and I fell further behind. By then end of the first term, I felt there was no hope of getting good marks, so my only goal was to pass with 50 percent.

When the first semester of grade ten came to an end, my parents and I were concerned about my grades, so this time I decided I was going to put in the work to get good grades.

During the first month of the second semester, however, I had a major setback when I got really sick with strep throat, but I begged my parents to let me go to school or at least to math because I was scared to fall behind. I attended all my classes, even when I was really sick, and even when I didn't want to. I participated in activities in class as much as I dared, and I even volunteered at the school. Midterm came around, and I had three As and one B, which was in math. This was a huge boost, and instead of giving up as I was used to, I stayed after school, went during lunch, and used FIT as an opportunity to get my grade to an A. When I received my final mark for the second semester, my parents and I were so happy that I had gotten straight As for the first time! I was proud of myself.

Although I still faced stress and anxiety, I felt confident that I could do well in grade 11 because I had proven to myself that I could. I knew how to do work in a way that didn't stress me out. What also made a huge difference was having supportive teachers who understood anxiety and knew I wasn't just trying to get away with something. I felt heard and understood, and they accommodated me so that, just like in Hume Park Home Learners, I could demonstrate my knowledge in ways that worked for me. I kept up an A average.

And I no longer felt the pressure to have a huge friend group; I knew now that, for me, when it comes to friends, quality is better than quantity.

Grade 11 was really good for me both academically and socially. I knew which people I wanted to surround myself with, and I knew how to do well in school while managing my anxiety. I kept up with my homework, got exercise, did my best to sleep well (something I still struggle with), ate well, spent quality time with friends, felt no pressure to go out at night, and spent quality time with my mom and the rest of my family. All things that make me happy and confident.

This year, I've been able to keep up with my schoolwork while also volunteering. Although I did it to complete the mandatory volunteer hours and to make my transcript better, through my work with Kiwassa Neighbourhood House I discovered newfound confidence and leadership skills in myself I never knew I had.

This work -- and a personal story that shows it's possible to take control of your life -- has led me to decide to pursue a career in social work.

This first term of grade twelve has been hard, but now I know what works for me in terms of navigating school and my anxiety, and I know how to ask teachers and others for the support I need; I am lucky to have had some great support in both teachers and friends as well as at home. I am still not 100% free of anxiety, but I am learning how to manage it, and as my confidence grows, I'm looking forward to a successful last semester of high school.